Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.
cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado
Hear me out: WrestleVania
I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here
Sick of people thinking the Midwest is just a bunch of small towns and cornfields when they forgot it’s also a lot of road construction, inconsistent weather, and deer that jump in front of your car
Photobombing Giraffe 😅
Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction
opening twitter before 9am is crazy like did you even try to have a good day
oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife
instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave
me: oui chef
Why everyone forces introverts to be talkative and get out of their comfort zone, but no one forces extroverts to shut the fuck up even for a minute so the zone becomes comfortable.
I think suicide is selfish because there’s probably somebody out there who already really wants to kill you
dril cadence
