Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.