Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband