you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.