Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?