Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.