Ovenable?
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I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
This is the one
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.