People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.