Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
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Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb