What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
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a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
I have so many questions.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot