Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings