superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.