dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what