There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
I’m so full I could puke a horse
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late