I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.