British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize