Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday