i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.