The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.