Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.