I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.