Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.