You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb