If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.