Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not