Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.