the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.