I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
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Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away