Cashiers are always checking me out
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.