My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
My birthstone is kidney
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.