Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.