We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
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Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Mouse
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.