Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
We decided to have money instead of children.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know