Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees