Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.