I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.