I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.