The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store