How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Never be a pizza!
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.