Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Never be a pizza!
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”