I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!