(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash