Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs

Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*

Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something

And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much

just got off an incredibly depressing and frustrating phone call with my evil health insurance company who actively wants me to die, time to take a big sip of coffee and check the news

Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.

Just been made aware of the fact that some people are unironically referring to the General Election as the Jenny Lec and, I’ll be honest, I’m not coping too well with this awful information.

4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.

6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.

Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.

“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early

A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.

Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.

hide the Elf on the Shelf while you’re drunk so it can be a searching game for both you & the kids the next morning

If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.

At noon, we ride.*

*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.

do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?

I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…

The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.

– birds

Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.

Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something

Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you

Me: *sighing* again?

Boss: again

Me: *spins his chair*

Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one

[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?

Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*

Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-

*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*

Her *softly* holy shit

Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak

Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.

And outside.

*God creating Eminem*

This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.

My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.

I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic

Chefs: you eat with your eyes first

Me, eating with my mouth: oh no

I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.

Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX