Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
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My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
me when the borders lift
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.