Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
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anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Corn Dogs: Uninserted
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox