Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
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WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
The glory of fall.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?