Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
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Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
I can’t work out if the pilot taxiing towards the terminal window is doing a huge yawn or his brakes have failed.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Sir!!
