Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
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My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
the only bumper sticker ill allow
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?
“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”
Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Looks at the shower
At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
BETRAYAL
