Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day

Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.

Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.

There aren’t enough rap songs about cutting coupons.

Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.

Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?

While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!

6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?

Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.

6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.

In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.

This looks nothing like what I ordered…

WTF is this????

I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.

I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.

Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes

Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders

me: why does it have to be family get-togethers

after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger

My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.

Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.

Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.

Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?

…and send

Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions

Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever

[At microphone]

*clears throat*

“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”

*crowd cheers*

“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping

Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase

Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product

“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.

“Same place you do,” she said.

“No, seriously-”

“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”

Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.

“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”

– Vader & therapist

“What charities do you donate to?”

“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”

Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.

Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian

My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.

Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!