Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
You Might Also Like
Speechwriter: I have your speech ready, sir. “87 years ago—“
Lincoln: Whoa whoa whoa hang on…
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
my six year old just made this bumper sticker for me
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
IT guy: How much Internet do you need?
My folks: 10,000
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Scrooge isn’t special, I too have been ghosted thrice in one night
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.