Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
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All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯