Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate

COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly

ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here

snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it

ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?

GUY: fruit flies I think

ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug

I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.

Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.

if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe

Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.

Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.

🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you

-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge

Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.

I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.

-me canceling my Dr appt

It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.

don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.

So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.

DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change

ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage

*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*

“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”

– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea

someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything

Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.

My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.

Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.

Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?

Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will

Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!

I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.

Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.

If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.

Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table

Murderer: ok thanks

Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information

Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.

me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards

cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok

*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”

*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”

[future]

Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?

Me: Internet arguments, mostly