pain
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Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
That sweet loving feeling when your kids have been asleep for a couple of hours, the house is quiet, and then you hear one of them get up to pee and you’re certain that not an ounce of urine is actually landing inside the toilet