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I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
I got a job as a bullet
They fired me immediately
“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
one thing i can’t get over about the quiet place movies is how these monsters are attracted to the sound of a pin dropping but they make the craziest loudest noises at literally all times. how do they not spend all their screentime chasing their own tails
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.