Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
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overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
I bought you some jumper cables since you like to start shit
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
So the ex texted me
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.
Amazing man. Horrible chef.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Body by Oreos
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.