Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
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You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
🤭😂
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”