Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That escalated quickly

– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.

“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs

Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”

ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:

Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.

Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?

I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now

[gym]

Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual

“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”

store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower

me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet

CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office

*gasps*

CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet

*laughter*

CIA: also someone in here leaked info

*gasps*

CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party

*laughter*

CIA: also someone’s a spy

“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.

Establish dominance over your children by whining louder

My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,

Pee on it and walk away.”

ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut

I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.

Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*

Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!

5: Unicorns aren’t real.

13: Where do you think glitter comes from?

10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.

Big Sisters: the original fake news source

My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.

My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him

[driving] Goddamn pedestrians

[walking] Goddamn drivers

[both] Goddamn cyclists

I have two selves:

One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.

I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”

Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.

there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples

Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin

Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children